Thursday, April 15, 2010

Flatpoint High Fashion

Jerri Blank has been srsly fancy since '99 when Strangers with Candy first aired on Comedy Central. In case you're not familiar with Jer or the show, the Strangers plot was based on after-school specials of the 90s, in which each episode identifies a problem, shows the protagonist grappling the issue (often with a few humorous and heartwarming exchanges with his or her peers/guardians), and presents both a solution and a valuable moral lesson by the end of the 30-minute program.  

Strangers is kinda like that except the opposite. Yes, Jerri battles internal conflict, fights with her stepmom, and asks her pets for advice (think 'Deej and Comet in Full House), but her solutions are realized only at the expense of others. The "moral" lessons she learns are bad and wrong. Some may consider her sense of fashion equally immoral, but I think it's like a nice, tight little humidor. Here are some of my favorite Blank faces. I call this digital series Turtleneck Epiphany:

Stills taken from

High-waisted trousers, faux fur, fringe, oversized earrings, and exotic pets as accessories are just a few of Flatpoint High's greatest fashion trends. If you asked the real Jerri today where her fashion inspiration comes from, you'd probably get a load of Comfort Zone, mixed with some Jeremy Scott, a touch of vintage Missoni, and dab of J.Crew's Jenna Lyons after a long peyote trip down at Tweetzie Railroad. Here's Jerri sporting bold prints and Japanese Silkies at Fall 2010 Fashion Week. I call this series Emilio Poontang:

Manish Arora Fall 2010 RTW,

Missoni Fall 2010 RTW,

Vivienne Westwood Fall 2010 RTW,

Ann Demeulemeester Fall 2010 RTW,

 Sonia Rykiel Fall 2010 RTW,

Here's a look I created at Polyvore, complete with some Jerri essentials for when Step Mother is on binge, and you're in a real k-hole:

!!Get the L@@k!!

Want some tips on how to create your own Jerri Blank look for less than $50? Here's how I did my Jerri on Halloween 2004. Peep it!

The Outfit

1. High-waisted pants in either a very bright color, or totally pukey, pallid color. I got the ones pictured at Goodwill for $4.50.

2. Turtleneck fitting the same color palette as the bright or pukey pants, $6.00 at Goodwill.

3. 80s tracksuit jackets are tōt perf over your turtleneck. Preferably something with bedazzled jewels, beads, or fringe, $7.50 at Goodwill.

3. Shoes from like, Urban Outfitters or American Apparel or any of those crappolas will like, totally work. You definitely have these in your closet already. No coins dropped!

4. Jewelry--You already have some ugly costume jewelry your grandma unloaded onto you somewhere. If she hasn't started the giving process yet, she will soon (my fortune included a couple Precious Moments dolls and yours will too if you're lucky). If grandma's late to the game, go to F21 and spend $4.80 on some earrings and what, like, $5.80 on a necklace?

The Hairs & The Makeups!!

5. In the pics I'm wearing an Austin Powers wig from Ricky's NYC. I think it was $9.99 back then. I cut it up a bit to have the Jerri flare, and added the streak using Wet n' Wild white nailpolish ($.99). It takes a couple coats to get it to show up, but using the polish is a lot cheaper than buying temporary hair color spray which won't show up in white, anyway.

6. To get that aged and drug-addicted complexion, choose a Wet n' Wild ($.99) foundation darker than your natural skin tone to put under your eyes, and to create wrinkles and frown lines.

7. For the decaying teeth, use one $.99 Wet n' Wild brown eyeliner, and one $.99 Wet n' Wild gold eyeliner. Sounds a little grodie but duh, eyeliner, lip liner, and all that shiz is pretty much made from the same waxy stuff. Also a great benefit is the Halloween party drinks did not remove the tooth decay effect (beer and various liquors both stood the test), however it came right off when I brushed my teeth three days later!! JKJKJK, obviously I brushed them that night...obviously.

8. The fu-pah or fum-pa or whatevs is my favorite part of the ensemble. Wear tights under the pants and stuff a nice, soft, plastic bag of cotton balls ($2.49) into the tights. The tights are what help the balls stay tightly in there. This creates a perfect hump right where it belongs. Then, strap the fanny pack ($3.50, Goodwill) right over that fu-pah and voila! -- you're ready to go try out for the cheerleading squad, get some pizza, or hop into Drake Rodgers' cousin's camper!

For a total of $47.55 you get a totally Flatpoint High fashion look full of fandangos. Now that's what I call fancy!

Peace, love, and empanadas,

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